Review: Sharknado: The Video Game

At some point, the SyFy Channel just full on embraced stupidity and allowed their movies to be designed by five year olds with a Mad Libs book. The last man in the building that had a high school degree was chased out by a clown wielding a mop and for years now their CEO has been an eight year old sitting on top of a ten year old’s shoulders. They don’t have scriptwriters or people to work on special effects and the actors they hire can’t even read, but this group of drooling toddlers still manage to churn out stupid movie after stupid movie in what the Catholic Church has deemed a genuine miracle. At some point this whole process reached a singularity, and the movies became so monumentally stupid that people actually wanted to start watching them again. The acting was below pornography quality, the special effects were done by a caveman they recently thawed that has no working knowledge of how computers work, and every single plot involved a murderous version of whatever animal was in Zoobooks that month. And then things got dumber. It shouldn’t be possible. A mathematical anomaly, leading scientists said, who then burned their graduate degrees as they believed the natural world wasn’t worth understanding anymore. Sharknado was released and for the first time in movie history, viewers were able to watch a tornado throw sharks at people. This is the kind of thing that serves as a harbinger of total cultural collapse and during its television debut fifteen art institutes around the country suddenly and inexplicably burst into flames.

They managed to get the shambling corpse of the actress once known as Tara Reid to sign on to the project, and I still haven’t been able to decide if that was more embarrassing for Tara Reid or the digital sharks that were forced to act alongside her. Somehow, the SyFy Channel was unable to completely undermine society with their first film, and thus they decided to make a sequel to answer the questions the first one left unresolved like can you write an entire script after a full lobotomy and how much Tara Reid can a digitalized shark handle before it goes on strike and demands to work with something more lifelike. And then, someone decided to make a game about the movie because they wanted to ruin the world with technology and Skynet was too hard to get operational. Sharknado: The Video Game is a bad game based on a bad movie that was shown on a bad channel that people only watched in the first point to laugh at how bad it was. Sharknado is hilariously bad, the kind of bad you can share with friends. Sharknado: The Video Game stays true to the source material by being awful, but it is just a sort of bland, paint-by-the-numbers bad that you can’t even laugh at.

sharknado3

The game itself is an endless runner featuring, uh, some guy I don’t know I couldn’t be bothered to open the game back up again to see what his name was. I called him William J. Sharkfood because the only sliver of joy I got from the entire game was intentionally running him in to sharks and laughing when the game over screen came up asking me to give the shark some chum instead to save Sharkfood’s life. That isn’t even a hard choice, Sharknado: The Video Game. The chum is perfectly innocent, and this idiot actor agreed to let his face be used in the movie so he deserves all the grisly shark based deaths I force him into. Sharkfood doesn’t seem particularly smart, because regardless of what you run into the game over screen shows him in a shark’s mouth. Run into a bus? Bam, that bus was secretly a shark and it is now eating you. While feeding Sharkfood to sharks was fun and all, I still feel like this game made a crucial error here, because if the character you were controlling was Tara Reid I’d be telling all my friends to go out and get this game immediately. I’d pay money for Tara Reid Shark Food Simulator 2014. Here is my review for when they patch this game after accounting for my incredible idea: “5/5 go out and buy. You can feed Tara Reid to sharks!”

The game is fairly simple, only throwing more sharks or obstacles your way as it progresses. You swipe left to move left, right to move right, up to jump, and down to slide and you need to avoid sharks and obstacles. I’ve read some other reviews that claim the game constantly crashes but I never had that problem so Sharknado: The Video Game isn’t completely broken. And, here is the sad thing, I guarantee that is the nicest thing that has been said about this game anywhere on the Internet. If this game had a box, that quote would be plastered on the front in bigger letters than the title. “[IT] ISN’T COMPLETELY BROKEN” – Nikola Suprak, HardcoreGamer.com. That is the nicest thing you can say about this game, and anyone telling you otherwise either worked on this game or personally hates you and wants you to suffer.

sharknado2

There are weapons in the game you find just laying around that you can use to kill sharks for a limited number of uses, but the sharks are just as easy to avoid and killing them really doesn’t seem to serve a purpose other than making you question how strong Sharkfood is that he can hit a shark with a bat and both the shark and the bat will explode. After you run for long enough the game throws a surfboard at you, and you now get to surf the streets with the worst background music that has ever been featured in a game or movie or commercial or anything ever, throughout the course of human history. Surf around enough sharks and you will be able to pick up a chainsaw and suddenly you are transported to riding on the back of a flying shark. “Flying a shark while attacking other sharks with a chainsaw” sounds impossible to make boring, but the group of evil scientists that made this game somehow found a way. Three shadows move at you and you have to move in front of a shark so you can cut it up and hurt the sharknado. If you lose at this point, you are most likely legally blind and should probably seek the help of a medical professional. The shadows coming at you come in two different kinds: definitely shark shaped and definitely not shark shaped. If you move in front of the enormous car instead of the shark outline, then you are somehow too dumb for Sharknado: The Video Game and are most likely some sort of amoeba or maybe a particularly stupid lamp. Kill enough sharks and the level ends and you get to start another one again. Don’t. Don’t tempt fate. You made it out of one level with your sanity in tact. Leave while you still can.

I don’t know how much the game costs because again any effort I put into looking up facts for Sharknado: The Video Game is time I simply cannot justify wasting, but whatever the price was I guarantee it is too much. Even free would be too much. Sorry, I’d prefer to keep my no money and not spend it elsewhere. Hell, if they gave you money to download this it would still be a bad deal. “Ten dollars? But I’d have to download Sharknado: The Video Game? Eh, keep it. My dignity is worth more than that.” It would be like if someone gave you money so they could spit in your face. Have some self respect, people. If you try to purchase this game from the App Store, the Humane Society will show up at your door and take your pets as you clearly lack the decision making capabilities to be responsible for another life. This game also has in-app purchases, and holy hell if you think an in-app purchase for Sharknado: The Video Game is a good use of money than you aren’t even in this game’s target demographic anyway as there is no way you had enough money left over to even purchase a phone after you bought those magic beans from that homeless guy under the bridge. The Venn diagram of “people smart enough to use a phone” and “people dumb enough to use money on in-app purchases for a Sharknado mobile game” are two completely separate circles on two separate sheets of papers in two different houses in two different countries, and the Sharknado circle is drinking paint and buying instant lottery tickets because writing an idea that dumb on a sheet of paper is enough to animate it by the sheer power of its stupidity.

sharknado4
Closing Comments:

Sharknado: The Video Game is so bad that you already knew it was going to be bad before reading anything else about it. It is preemptively bad, which is sort of amazing when you think about it. It is called “Sharknado: The Video Game.” That is honestly all you need to know. They could’ve called it “Don’t Buy This Or Bees Will Get You: This Game Is Made Of Bees” and that would sound more enticing than Sharknado: The Video Game. You could download a virus to your phone at it would still be a better use of memory than this. It is terrible, but not laughably so. As a game based on a movie that literally aspires to be awful, it falls short of its mark. That is how much of a failure this game is. It is so lazily made that it cannot even get into the realm of epicly, amazingly bad. It is just a boring, run of the mill endless runner without enough ideas to even be terrible. Sharknado was a fiery car crash that burst over a bridge into a dynamite factory that was such an amazing disaster you just had to see it for yourself. This is more akin to a stubbed toe. A commonplace kind of bad that is just going to annoy you for a couple seconds before fading forever from your memory. And you can’t even feed Tara Reid to sharks.
score1.5

Platform: iOS (iPhone/iPad)