The side-scrolling beat’m’up genre was at one time a favorite genre of gamers. Unfortunately the mid-90s transition into polygonal gaming did not bode well for beat’m’ups as they became free from simple horizontal movement and, essentially, the genre as a whole melted into the already-crowded action genre. Several years later, the genre is seeing a slow but steady comeback through downloadable game services like PSN and XBLA, but developer Boomzap decided to be daring and release a 2D side-scrolling beat’m’up for retail: the Wii-exclusive Pirates Plundarrr.

The thing is, there is a reason the genre has largely been limited to downloadable services this generation. Beat’m’ups aren’t exactly known for being lengthy, nor do they offer much in the content department. This was fine back in the day, when gamers weren’t quite as picky and mastering a title was more important than its length, but today it is a bit baffling why Boomzap would opt for retail over, say, WiiWare.

Pirates Plundarrr feels out of place from the very beginning. After the obligatory publisher and developer logos, you have to sit through a long loading screen, only to then be presented with a very simple menu screen as you wonder exactly what took so long to load. As far as choices you can start the game or go through a tutorial, and that’s it. Again, typical of this genre, but certainly not typical of modern retail games.

While the Options menu is naturally barren, there is the interesting option to change all of the game’s language from “normal English” to pirate speak. Everything from the main menu (‘Start Game’ becomes ‘Set Sail’) to storyboard subtitles will take on the delightful language of the pirates. And while this made some of the story a bit incomprehensible (unless of course you are fluent in piratese) it certainly added a significant amount of charm and character to what would otherwise have been a uncharacteristically well-spoken pirate game.

The game itself is very simple to play. Up to four players scamper from the left to the right, slaying enemies along the way using a sideways Wiimote to slash, run, and jump. Along the way you will find additional weapons inside crates and treasure chests to switch up the style a bit, but there isn’t a huge difference between them.

Guns, on the other hand, obviously bring a new approach to slaying enemies, but unless someone has your back at all times expect to be destroyed.

Which brings me to one of my primary concerns: Pirates Plundarrr is borderline unplayable without multiplayer. Enemies are ruthless and attack in groups. This isn’t a typical beat’m’up where, if playing alone, enemies will stand around and attack you once at a time. Here they will surround you and obliterate you as you desperately mash buttons. With multiple players the game becomes significantly easier (and thus more fun) but anybody who does not have others to play with should just avoid this game.

As you destroy enemies, your pirate will gain experience points which can be allocated between levels to various stats and upgrades. This is fine, but the point distribution between players is so random that it’s difficult to keep each player at the same level – even if it seems each player is doing equal work. At the beginning this may not be an evident issue, but in later stages it gets to the point where players will begin to just let the most powerful guy take out the boss while the others do their best to avoid being killed. The only real remedy to this stat discrepancy is to alternate turns in clearing out stages so each player gains an equal – or close to equal – level, which is simply too tedious and makes the game feel like an elementary school lesson on taking turns.

One thing that Pirates Plundarrr does have going for it is length, something that I previously said is usually a problem with beat’m’ups. Boasting forty-five stages, Pirates Plundarrr is certainly one of the longer games in the genre. But the variety between the stages is so narrow that forty-five stages doesn’t feel like very much at all. Pirates Plundarrr is simply repetitive – even the game’s bragged 40+ enemy types behave much too similarly.

Visuals are a mixed bag. Eye-pleasing colors and a cartoony style fit the pirate atmosphere well, but the animation is rigid and boring to the point where attacking enemies feels none more exciting to watch than a battle from an early Pokemon game.

I left Pirates Plundarrr with an overwhelming feeling that the experience would have been far better if it was just released for WiiWare, even if that meant reduced length – after all, game length is worthless when variety is so limited. Sure, it’s only $20 for retail, but downloadable services offer beat’m’up experiences much more exciting and varied for a fraction of Pirates Plundarrr’s price.