Graveyard: Courier Crisis

Watch your step, for you’ve just entered the Graveyard. Inside, we’ll be digging up games that have long been without a pulse. You’ll see both good and bad souls unearthed every month as we search through the more… forgotten…parts of history.

The same year Final Fantasy VII was released, New Level Software decided to explore the glamorous world of Bike Couriering. After all, what kid doesn’t look at a bike messenger zipping by and think “One day….that will be me on that Schwinn.” Not to be outdone by other games of the era, an extreme word was added to the title and “Courier Crisis” was born.

Gameplay consisted of riding around while picking up and delivering packages throughout the city. Of course, the game was extreme, so you needed to make rad jumps while punching and kicking pedestrians out of your way. With a concept so inept, it’s no surprise the gameplay was awful. It felt as if you were on straight line and every movement was scripted, much like one of those Tiger Electronics handhelds that used to litter Wal-Marts.

To make matters worse, the graphics were pathetic. Buildings didn’t render until you were close and it boasts one of the most off-putting color palettes ever to grace a game. Check out a video:

I love how this is supposed to be XTREME, but the courier is wearing shoulder pads and a helmet. He’s a role model. Practically everything about this game was lame. Hell, even the official summary:

You would never be caught wearing blue shorts and black socks, and just the thought of going from house to house gives you the hives. Your biggest enemy is the clock, not the dog at 502 Maple Drive. You’re the person who gets the call when the post office fails. You are the bicycle courier of the concrete jungle. Pick up your package and make the delivery within the time limit. Getting to the delivery site requires punching and kicking pedestrians out of the way and taking crazy jumps over the traffic. When the package gets there on time, you will earn big money to upgrade your bike. With over 250 deliveries in five different cities, there is plenty of money to be had. Do you have the skills to navigate the asphalt island? Play COURIER CRISIS and find out.

The only thing notable about Courier Crisis is that it could be said to be the precursor to Crazy Taxi. Much of the basic concept and gameplay is the same, except in Crazy Taxi, it’s not horribly awful. Perhaps someday bike couriers will get a game worthy of their profession. They deserve it, damn it!