When Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas was released eight years ago, a website was launched simultaneously for “The Epsilon Program”. A fake cult mentioned frequently on in-game radio stations, The Epilson Program were proponents of strange legends and creeds. The website extends the legend of the cult further with information such as “The 12 Tenets of Kifflom”:
1. The world is 157 years old – FACT!
2. Dinosaurs are a lie that people believe because they are weak – FACT!
3. You are happy, you just don’t know it – FACT!
4. We all come from the same tree – FACT!
5. Everyone is related to everyone else, except for people with red hair – FACT!
6. Sperm does not exist – it is a lie spread by biology teachers – along with everything else you have ever been told – FACT!
7. Men are supposed to lie with nine new partners a week. Women are supposed to lie with six, except for in July, when they must lie with five men a day – FACT!
8. Aliens exist and are present on earth. If you have a birth mark, you may be descended from Kraff, the famous Emperor of the 4th Paradigm – FACT!
9. Trees talk, but only some people hear them – FACT!
10. People who believe in something live much longer than atheists, and they have eternal life thrown in for good measure – FACT!
11. If you believe this and turn you hands and wallet over to EPSILONISM, you’ll live a happy life. Otherwise you are doomed – FACT!
12. KIFFLOM – HAPPINESS IS YOURS! KIFFLOM!
The website lie dormant several years until it was recently updated with a link to its twitter. The Twitter account, which is nearing 10,000 followers, posts expectedly odd tweets like “Do not weep at unsaveables. It’s their own fault. You’re superior to them in every way” and “Cat off the cane. Cris has and that is proof of his power. Just like the upward peach tree.”
We’re not sure if this is an elaborate marketing campaign for GTA V or just Rockstar being Rockstar, but it’s certainly something to keep an eye on. “Cults are for fools,” the account continues, “Epsilonists are not fools. They are investing in salvation. Nothing is less foolish. If you find this confusing, you’re not ready. Either that, or you are doomed”
If you want to go a step further and join the cult itself, it’s simple:
“Travel through the dawn to the pass pictured in our brochures. Look for a red truck with a dent on the right fender. Raise your left hand and recite the words: “Take me to to my father-father, brother-uncle. Kifflom.” We’ll do the rest. Because we all know, there is Kifflom and there is Krant, and both be praised.