Last week, a ship was destroyed in Eve Online that had an estimated value of $8,000. And we’re not talking about 8,000 Eve World Wacky Funbucks either, but real, honest to goodness money that you can use to buy love and friendship (unless you are the kind of person that has a ship that expensive in Eve Online, at which point the going rate for love increases exponentially). Eve Online not only has its own in-game currency known as Interstellar Kredits, or ISK, but a real world exchange rate that allows an actual dollar value to be fixed to ships in Eve Online. The large Revenant that wandered into an ambush last week was worth enough ISK to be valued at just shy of $10,000 real dollars. Now, you can’t just cash in your ship with the game and wait for a check in the mail, but you can get some real world items with ISK and it isn’t unheard of for people to sell in-game items for insanely high real world prices. And of course, when other gamers see you flying around in one of these rare, extremely valuable ships, their immediate gut reaction is to try and blow it up just so they can taste your sweet, salty tears.
How the Revenant was destroyed really wasn’t much of a mystery. It belonged to a member of the Pandemic Legion and he flew it right into enemy airspace with only a handful of friends. Oops. It turns out he was lead there by a traitor, and the Pandemic Legion lost the Revenant and nine other supercarriers in a matter of minutes thanks to the huge ambush set up by a number of Verge of Collapse dreadnaughts and supercarriers. The domination was so intense that it even made mainstream news. Think about the worst loss you ever suffered in a video game. Now consider how much worse it would have to be for Yahoo to pick it up and go, “Hey everybody! Come over here and watch how badly this guy lost!” Do you know how bad you have to lose at something for a reporter to come by and do a story on it?
Forbes claimed this was a, “a massive battle marked by intrigue on a Shakesperean level.” Oh man, Shakesperean levels of intrigue? This has got to be good. I wonder what drove the traitor over the edge. Was he spurned by a female gamer in the same group? Was he a plant by a rival faction that slowly cultivated trust before ultimately leading them to their doom? Well, Forbes could have ignored all this guessing if they would have just read the article they link to in their own article, which has snippets of an interview with the traitor himself. Going by the name of Bandwidth, he very clearly explains that he didn’t join as a spy and just sort of became one because, well, why don’t we let the person who talked to him explain it.
“From all the contact I had with him over his time in PL, he was having fun, but it wasn’t until the last couple of weeks that he even got this idea in his head at all. He had been talking to Starconquer, who knew that Bandwidth was getting bored, and also that he was irritated that PL reneged on their promise to subsidize his supercarrier, and started suggesting that he ‘go out with a bang’.”
Wow. This is every bit as intriguing and amazing as Forbes built it up to be. It reminds me of that most classic of all Shakesperean betrayals, where Julius Caeser is getting stabbed by all the senators of Rome and they are shouting out “FOR THE REPUBLIC!” and “TYRANNY IS DEAD!” and they get to Brutus and he is like, “Are we sure there wasn’t anything else on television?” As is almost everything in online gaming, this was less Shakesperean intrigue and more for the lulz.
Of course, due to the suave maneuvering of master spy Bandwidth, Pandemic Legion could do nothing but tip their caps. They lost ten ships and were made to look like fools by a rival faction, so they really only had two options. They could handle it with dignity and maturity, laughing off what was a substantial loss with good humor and vowing to learn from their mistakes. Or they could throw a fit, tie up their dignity, stuff it in the back of their trunk and drive screaming like a deranged lunatic over the nearest cliff. To be fair, the majority of the Pandemic Legoin actually seemed to handle the loss well, and were more shocked and confused than enraged. That sort of reaction is totally boring and reasonable, so we don’t want to talk about that. What we do want to talk about is one special individual that goes by the name of Grath who went on an irate rant because we all know how important imaginary spaceships are. Someone from Pandemic Legion (maybe even Grath himself) realized what a legendary meltdown they were witnessing and uploaded the whole thing to soundcloud for your listening pleasure and believe me when I say the rage here is absolutely delicious. Stop what you’re doing right now and check that link out, at least the first six or seven minutes. I promise that you’ll thank us later. What that link contains is one of the single greatest meltdowns and hissy fits in the history of gaming, and you are doing yourself a disservice by not reveling in every minute of it.
For those of you that hate good things, let me at least summarize all the best bits below. Things start out surprisingly calm, as only the more level headed members of the Pandemic Legion have shown up to try and deal with the crisis. None of these individuals seem to have actually lost their ships as they weren’t stupid enough to fall for this, but they are trying to recover the ships of their friends that are still stuck out there. Of course, we do hear some disappointment. And some adult language. And situations. If it wasn’t clear already, little kids should probably not be reading this.
“Uaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh [guttural Arnold Schwarzenegger noise] …no mad. But we just-[hysterical laughter]-lost the first Revenant!”
“Just chill, Jeff.”
“Yeah, yeah. I am chill. I’m calm as fucking bomb.”
Good man, Jeff. This is how a man reacts to defeat. No mad. Not even a little mad. He’s calm as fucking bomb. I don’t know what that means, but he seems able to laugh the whole situation off. He even tries to help the couple of guys that are still stuck there get away in some fashion that involves them leaving in as many pieces as they arrived. BORING. Who wants to hear this guy be all reasonable? Luckily, Grath shows up at this point and cranks the crazy up to eleven. I’ve bolded all of Grath’s dialogue, but you could’ve easily figured out which was his yourself by just following the crazy.
“I want ’em all out. I want every dead mother fucker out of the alliance.”
“No, no, no…”
“Every fucking one!”
“FUCK YOU! BRO! YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”
“That’s not fair, Grath. I’m not a piece of shit, Grath.”
I don’t know who the second guy is talking to Grath, but I love his response. Hey man, that isn’t fair that you are verbally berating me. Why don’t we calm down and talk about this like reasonable adults and oh God you’re now strangling me with my own shirt. It’s like a human being is trying to have a conversation with a boulder that is slowly crushing him and I don’t know who comes off crazier in this exchange. Unfortunately, that Jeff guy returns and tries to get Grath to calm down until they manage to get everyone out. Once that’s over though, he finally lets go of the leash and Grath breaks it down for every one.