Australian Government Forces Saints Row IV to Cut Side Mission, But Is Totally Cool With Anal Probes

The Australian government, also known as the world’s crankiest and most boring proper gentleman, had twice rejected Saints Row IV because it gave them the vapors. Several missions caused their monocles to fall out right into their tea as they gasped in shocked horror at all the depravity they were witnessing.

After amending some content, however, the Australian Classification Review Board will finally allow Saints Row IV to reach an Australian audience with a MA15+ rating according to CVG. Apparently, they had complaints about some things, like a side mission that prompts the gamer to take fake alien drugs to gain superpowers and a weapon called the “Rectifier” that allows you to anally probe your enemies. While I am no fan of censorship, I suppose I can understand the review board being a little squeamish about a weapon that basically allows you to anally rape your enemies with a–

Oh wait, no they didn’t care about that at all. Turns out the fake made up alien drugs is what was really causing the review board to freak out, because it was its removal that prompted them to allow Saints Row IV to receive an Australian release. The publisher swears it won’t have any detrimental affects on the story, because it really is only around twenty minutes total that is being removed from a huge, multi-hour gaming experience. This is actually the only thing being cut, as the anal probe weapon will still be allowed to be released as DLC. So just to recap, a completely fake narcotic from a completely fake people from a completely fake planet that gives you completely fake superpowers is so bad that the Australian government wouldn’t allow the game to be released until the whole thing was cut.

This makes total sense, because what if some Australian kid played the game and got the idea in their head that taking drugs from aliens was cool? Aliens are notorious drug pushers, and everyone can still remember that iconic scene in E.T. where he finally got a good enough grasp of the English language to put together a sentence and he turned to the children and said, “E.T. phone homies” and immediately ordered a massive shipment of superhero wonder drugs to be delivered to the house. Drew Barrymore never recovered from the sea of illicit narcotics and fire comes out her ears this day when she sneezes,. The good news is that we found out the Australian government is totally pro-anal probe guns, so long as they are only used for hunting animals with particularly interesting butts.

Who would’ve guessed this overly litigious group of old coots that was trying their hardest to legislate fun would have no problems with people having sticks up their butts? Completely, and utterly shocking.