This just in, 2,274 morons were laughed at by whatever “game expert” was working behind the GamStop counter. I have to give them credit, though, I wouldn’t be able to complete the sale without screaming expletives repeatedly as I bagged their $50 Angry Birds port. I mean, even if the game came packaged with download codes for every Angry Birds title ever made, it still wouldn’t cost as much as a car wash. And I’m not talking about a premium rinse at the ritzy gas station, either. No, I’m talking about a homeless “war veteran” with a spit rag and a bottle of turpentine.
I can just picture it now: an unaware parent enters the local shop to purchase her son a brand new PlayStation 4 and some “hot” titles. She immediately recognizes the Angry Birds game, because you know, everyone that owns a cellphone has one iteration or another. She grabs it from the shelf, heads towards the counter all-while ignoring the incessant laughter of the employees on duty, the folks standing behind her in line, and the executives at Rovio, who are probably sipping fancy champagne from glasses made of frozen tears and broken dreams.
She returns home, ready to surprise her son with the greatest gift a mother could buy a growing boy: video games. The eager-eyed child frantically unwraps the bag, only to find what is possibly the worst launch title ever released on consoles since Night Trap for the Sega-CD. He immediately increases his height by tenfold, pulls a pitchfork from the hell beneath his hoofs and stabs his old lady repeatedly until he’s blinded by the blood spatter. Okay, so that last bit isn’t likely, but I almost guarantee that the feelings he conceals from his mother reflect that exact scenario.
In such a situation, what do you tell your friends when they ask what games you have for the PS4? “Nothing… ugh, I didn’t like any of the launch games, dude.” Nonsense, they’ll know what you’ve done when you earn some Angry Birds themed trophy and it automatically delivers the news to your entire friends list. Don’t worry though, I can assure you that you’ll no longer have to worry about them asking what games you bought, because you’ll no longer have any friends.
The bright side is, there are 20 new levels you get for your $50. Considering the base Angry Birds Star Wars game is 99¢ virtually everywhere else, that comes out to about $2.60 per new level. A steal, if you’re either a massive Angry Birds fan that sleeps, eats and breaths the game, or a Rovio employee. Whichever launch title you decided to purchase, I’m sure it was a great choice. Unless it was Angry Birds Star Wars.