I play a lot of crappy games. It’s kinda my thing. I’ve had the opportunity to critique everything from farming simulators, to games about horse farms. It’s been a wild ride, and one that I wouldn’t even consider taking again with the knowledge I have today.
However, the “privilege” of playing so many games intended for children has given me a new perspective on what it’s like to be on the juvenile side of the ESRB rating scale: it’s freaking awful. The fact is, kiddie games range in quality from windowless van bait, to so-bad-it’s-borderline-child-abuse — and there are rarely exceptions. Even spank-happy parents are switching to less painful forms of punishment, like the buckle-end of an Italian leather belt.
I won’t stop reviewing them, though. No, it’s not because I’m some sort of video game masochist. It’s because I know I’ve made a difference if I can stop just one parent from putting their child through the hell of training horses, or abusively dressing kittens in massive sombreros. Why am I telling you all of this? Good question.
A new trademark has been filed by Ubisoft, and it features two of the scariest words in video game history: “Catz,” and “Dogz.” The only thing that could make this worse was if the game also involved pampering, feeding, and raising said animals. Oh wait, that’s exactly what it involves!
Brace yourselves, there’s a new generation of crap coming our way.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the “Petz” games, consider yourself lucky. These “games,” which are more like Ambien-overdose simulators, involve the taking care of, and often the dressing up of, various animals — in this case, cats and dogs. I know what you’re thinking, why the “z” after every noun? Obviously, it’s an elaborate scheme to keep kids stupid. By regressing their education, companies can keep them dumb enough to purchase more games of this type. Of course, this is just a highly-likely, almost entirely true, probably completely accurate, educated opinion.
No other information was released, but it’s likely that new titles in the franchise are on their way. Hopefully I’ll get to test the waters early enough to warn the masses.