CNN ‘Sandshrew is Missing’ Headline Proves America are Pokémaniacs

CNN recently adopted a pangolin which is a, well, it’s an animal that looks a lot like a Sandshrew. It had previously been named pangolin P26 after its maternal grandfather, the great pangolin P-whatever number goes here. For some reason CNN didn’t find that name appealing and let their readers choose a new one. They had it narrowed down to some reader suggestions, including Pemalu (Indonesian word for shy), Bao (Vietnamese word for protection), and Sandshrew (Pokemon word for adorable, ground type critter). And, as the voting was conducted on the Internet where Pokemon is more popular than anything, Sandshrew won in a landslide, which lead to this very real and very amazing headline that appeared on CNN: “Sandshrew is missing!”

Apparently, these pangolins are a heavily trafficked mammal throughout parts of the world. They are valued for their scales, and some people actually find the meat of a pangolin to be a delicacy. Then again, certain people said the same thing about Slowpoketails. Sandshrew himself was saved from this illegal trade and was taken in by the Carnivore and Pangolin Conservation Program in Vietnam. One of the reporters for CNN was visiting Vietnam to report on this situation and decided he and his audience would “adopt” this lovable pangolin. Shortly after he was released into one of Vietnam’s national parks with a tracking device on its tail. The device itself became dislodged at some point, and researchers in the park are now currently trying to find this missing pangolin with no luck in doing so thus far.

So, in summary, he was recently released into Cat Tien National Park in Vietnam and has since gone missing. The obvious problem here is once you release a Sandshrew into the wild, he’s “gone forever.” The PC is very clear about that. Luckily, I think if they were to change the name to Cat Tien National Park BLUE it would immediately solve their problem as you basically trip over those guys in the Blue version. Either that, or this is the tragic consequence of teaching Sandshrew dig. Everyone knows you don’t teach that to a Sandshrew until you have enough badges to control him properly.

All in all, this is a serious matter and I probably shouldn’t be making as many jokes as I have. Luckily, as it turns out, some thorough investigation on my part has uncovered the likely culprits:

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Team Rocket blasting off again!