Could Mustache Wobble Redefine Mario Kart?

For years now, gamers have been witness to “breast physics” in their video games. This phenomenon, also known as “jiggle physics” or “soft body physics” or “I wasted four years going to college for this?” physics, was first used to animate the bounce in hair or clothing before ultimately being re-appropriated by perverts for use in creating all of your favorite hilariously impossible breast movements in video games. Ever play a game made by Team Ninja or containing the letters “XXX” or any number of other games where it looks like portions of the anatomy of female characters have become self aware and are trying to escape their body whenever the female characters so much as cough? You can thank (or blame) jiggle physics for that!

We here at Hardcore Gamer are thoroughly disappointed by the fact that jiggle physics are rarely applied to the body part everyone really wants to see it applied to: mustaches. I can’t think of how many games I’ve played where I ended up turning it off because the mustaches in the game were dull and lifeless. Who wants to play a racing game where mustaches stay fixed in one location and lack what is referred to in cool circles as “the mustache wobble” (not to be confused with the mustache waggle, which is perverse and grotesque)? Communists and facia hair haters, that’s who. Luckily, Mario Kart 8 finally managed to solve one of the most elusive problems in all of gaming, namely how to make a mustache move realistically and with hypnotic beauty. Check out Mario rounding a turn below, but don’t stare too long, lest you become hypnotized by its glory and unable to ever look away again.

mariostache2

In all seriousness though, the game looks spectacular and if you haven’t seen the trailer or any footage for the game yet now is a good time to check it out because this might be one of the best looking games on the Wii U yet. The attention to detail is astounding, and not just in mustache related ways, although those are clearly the most important. Nintendo is finally trying to cater to the most important demographic at all: people who spent way too much time analyzing the movement of facial hair on video game characters. We would try to summarize our reaction to the beauty that is the mustache wobble, but really Donkey Kong’s reaction did it better than we ever could.

donkeykongooooo

(All gifs credited to NeoGAF.)