Russian Sims 4 To Receive Adult Only Rating Because The Gays Are Out To Get Your Kids

This week in “wait, did I just read that right?” news, the Russian version of The Sims 4 was given an adult only rating, which restricts the sale of the game to individuals under the age of 18. This news was released via the Sims’ Russian Twitter account, and immediately the question became why the game given such a strict rating. Was it because of the way you could lock your Sims in a room, place furniture in such a way to light it on fire, and then watch and take pictures as the Sim and his or her house burned? Did the Sims’ weird gibberish actually give away top secret Russian intel if properly decoded? Was Russia sick of all the awful DLC Maxis kept throwing in our face and expecting us to buy? No, no, and probably, but still no. The real reason is far more stupid.

The Sims 4 was rated adult only because the game featured same sex relationships. Not depictions of intimacy, mind you, but just the fact that the relationships were there was enough to condemn the game. According to the aforementioned Twitter account, the rating was in accordance to law number 436-FZ, which was later translated by severalĀ other sites. The law in question is titled “On protecting children from information harmful to their health and development” under section 4, subsection 12, titled “mommy, I saw two male Sims kissing and now I want to dance at the discotech and undermine the Russian government.” Apparently, the thought process here is a game features the option of two fake characters to enter into a fake same sex relationship and then…something…something…and then society collapses and we are all eaten by rabid dogs. That something something is clearly important but I admit I am not smart enough to figure out what it could possibly be that would lead to the adult only rating.

Personally, I completely understand the logic employed by the Russian rating bureau here because my time with the Sims 2 during my childhood led me down a dark path I was never able to recover from. For years, I would block people into a small room with a well placed piece of furniture and then laugh when they released a clear fluid onto the floor space immediately beneath them. I also refused to live in a room without both a bed and a toilet, because if it made my Sims happy then surely it would make me happy as well. And it was my refusal to speak in anything other than Sims’ gibberish that eventually got me thrown out from my college and diagnosed with what a team of medical professionals called “possibly a stroke or maybe he’s just really weird.”

Remember, this isn’t even a game promoting same sex relationships or one that gives the player some benefit to entering one or a game that is showing hardcore depictions of same sex relationships. This is merely a game that lets you enter one if you so choose, and the fact that doing so doesn’t immediately get your characters stoned and shunned by the Sims’ community they live in is enough to get the game an adult only warning in Russia. In Russia in 2014, two guys holding hands and not bursting into flames will get your game the same warning as chainsawing people into bits and getting scored on the awesomeness of your human carving abilities, because, and I’m paraphrasing Russian law here so bare with me: crazy blarrrrrrp hibbity hibbity hibbity. I don’t know what the real reason is, but I guarantee you mine makes more sense. Kids aren’t going to get contact gay by playing The Sims 4, and even suggesting they might requires you to wear at least two tinfoil hats at all times to let rational human beings know you are several different kinds of crazy and not worth talking to. This most likely isn’t the fault of anyone involved with the localization of The Sims 4 to Russia as they are merely following a law already in place, but it doesn’t make the whole situation any less weird or disappointing.

The controversy around Tomodachi Life might prove Nintendo is out of touch, but at least it isn’t ****ing crazy like Russia.