Dear Electronic Arts,
The most memorable moment of the 2014 NFL Draft was not Johnny Football’s major slide, nor was it the St. Louis Rams’ historic selection of Michael Sam. No, my most vivid memory came from Barry Sanders of all people. Before announcing that the Detroit Lions were selecting Eric Ebron, Sanders thanked the world for allowing him to grace the cover of Madden NFL 25. Speaking for the NFL and you, EA, he added that the cover voting was starting for this year’s Madden title…Madden NFL 15.
I’m sorry, what was that?
For more than 30,000 years, humans have used numbers to classify various quantities. Numbers have a set order, that’s what makes them numbers. I understand that you have had an incredible year, EA, but astronomical video game sales do not give you permission to alter the number line. This announcement is causing Isaac Newton to turn in his grave like the dry burger that annoying guy won’t stop flipping at the office barbecue. I would like to go on the record, EA, and inform you that twenty-five does not precede fifteen.
Look, I understand that Madden NFL 25 was supposed to honor the 25-year anniversary of the Madden franchise. It was a great idea at the time, as it put the series’ long history into perspective for younger fans. However, jumping back to the standard two-digit year model gives off the following three impressions:
1) Madden NFL 25 is some sort of law-breaking rebel, not following the rules of either sequels or common sense.
2) The Madden franchise will officially end in 2023, with Madden NFL 24 being the final iteration.
3) You guys never watched a damn episode of Sesame Street.
In order to get us to stop playing paper football and ogling that one girl without the braces, my high-school math teachers constantly stressed that “MATH AFFECTS EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD.” “When are we going to use this?” always had a well-thought out answer. They were right, math does matter. Whether we know it or not, it applies to everything and everyone. Well, everyone except you.
Perhaps you know better than me EA, maybe fifteen does come after twenty-five. This could explain why I got a B- in Differential Equations my sophomore year of college (#ShamelessEgoInflation). I hope I don’t come across as harsh, that is not my intent. Maybe we can discuss this over dinner; I’ll make reservations for 7:15, make sure to get there early, say 7:25.
A Confused Citizen