E3 2014: Square Enix Now Openly Trolling FFVII Fans, Will Release FFVII G-Bike On iOS and Android

For years, loyal fans of Square Enix have looked up at the corporation and shouted, “Please remake Final Fantasy VII” and Square Enix has looked down and whispered, “No.” They hate you, your precious childhood memories, and that weird Cloud/Aerith fanfiction you wrote when you were ten please stop sending it to them, is the gist of their response whenever someone asks about it. Final Fantasy VII has for years seemed like the game that Square Enix would have to be stupid to not remake. It was a seminal game for many people who grew up on the PlayStation, and one that introduced a whole new generation of gamers to RPGs. Meanwhile, Square Enix has been remaking every other Final Fantasy game they could think of, in spite of the fact that FFVII is really the only one that needs it. Final Fantasy VI and earlier games used 2D sprites that still look great, and Final Fantasy VIII and beyond had already sort of figured out the whole 3D thing so the visuals are already acceptable. Final Fantasy VII, however, sits in that awkward phase between the two when artists were experimenting on 3D (and possibly PCP if they thought the graphics were an improvement) and as a result Cloud looks like he’s put together with partially melted Legos and some spare scrap metal.

Square Enix has heard years of your requests and decided that yes, it is indeed time for a new Final Fantasy VII game. And that game is Final Fantasy VII G-Bike.

*cue Price is Right losing horn*

People who played Final Fantasy VII will remember the G-Bike minigame as the motorcycle game you play when you try to escape Midgar (and the one you can play again in the Gold Saucer later in the game). It was “fine” but not the reason you played Final Fantasy VII. If Square Enix was a restaurant and you ordered a steak, they’d come back out with a plate full of garnish and laugh in your face. Nobody wanted this. Nobody asked for this. There is no reason for this to be a thing unless you specifically wanted to announce “New Final Fantasy VII Game…” just to see the joy on everyones’ faces turn to ash when they finished reading the announcement and saw “G-Bike Mobile F2P Maybe Who Cares HAHA You Should See Your Face Right Now.”

Final Fantasy VII Screenshot 19 Bike chase

The E3 announcement trailer shows Cloud chasing after what I think is a Behemoth because who cares if the game even makes sense at this point. In the FFVII minigame, you are driving around to avoid bikers and protect the rest of your crew while you escape from Midgar, which is why you’re even on a motorcycle to begin with. Here, it looks like Cloud is chasing down and trying to murder a creature that is trying its hardest to get away from you, and I’m not sure who the bad guy is here. Also, a Behemoth doesn’t have wheels, so if it was smart it would just step two feet over to the side and get off the road while Cloud sits at the barrier and angrily shakes his fist. That’s a game I’d pay to play. They also show off Cloud sliding and jumping, because obviously that was what was really missing from the original to make it good enough to be its own standalone game.

There is still hope, however slim, that this is a fake announcement. I have no reason to think it is fake other than I believe in a just and fair world where this kind of thing cannot be released on the general public. Remember in Rocky IV where Ivan Drago kills Apollo Creed by literally punching him to death and he’s like “if he dies, he dies whatever YOLO I’m Russian”? And then remember how you laughed out loud because, seriously, no one is that comically evil? Square Enix actually releasing this game makes them even more comically evil than that. They are like two steps away from building a Death Star. Perhaps, if we’re lucky, this game will never come to be. A cruel joke played around E3 that journalists are quick to believe because, yes, Square Enix’s mobile division really is terrible enough to do something like this. If this is true, and if this does come out, I implore you not to buy it. I previously tried one of Square Enix’s iOS games, and the end result was I became physically unable to smile for three straight months. Doctors called it “an acute case of Squeenix Syndrome” and the only known cure is playing games like Final Fantasy VI or Final Fantasy IX to remind yourself that Sqaure did not always hate you and want you to cry.

Please, please, please, please, please do not buy this. I say that as someone who is concerned for your wellbeing. If you find yourself thinking “hey maybe this won’t be terrible” please seek help. That is not the thought process of someone who is healthy. It will be out this fall in Japan for iOS and Android devices and will infect North America sometime after that. It will be free to play, although there are in-app purchases if you are dumb and hate having money. We would like to apologize to you again for letting you know this exists.