Will Delay Make ‘Hatoful Boyfriend’ Pigeonier?

Why did the pigeon cross the road? To pick up some roses and condoms, apparently.

Picture Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, only replace terrifying crows and sparrows with pigeons and lustful gazes. Yes, I’m talking about a pigeon dating simulator. No, this isn’t a joke. Back in 2011, manga artist Hato Moa released a story in which players assume the role of the world’s last human woman whom, in accordance with Japan’s bat-s*** crazy customs, promptly enrolls in a highschool for pigeons. Naturally, her journey is littered with experimental love the likes of which only a seasoned Japanese manga artist (or anyone trapped in an aviary on peyote) could produce.

Here’s the problem: the only person I know who fantasizes about pigeons is me, and I’m a very small market. There aren’t too many teenagers climbing trees in the middle of the night, birdwatching with a bottle of Jergens. The entire demographic for this HD remake, or the original game for that matter, is comprised of members of the National Audubon Society. Those guys, and whatever furry enthusiasts manage to muster up the courage to make contact with the outside world.

Now, presumably in an effort to make the game a tad pigeonier, Hatoful Boyfriend has been delayed. Originally due on August 21, Moa’s creepbait will now be pecking its way into gamer’s hearts (and pants) on September 4, 2014. Unfortunately, no real explanation was provided, but I suppose that if your masturbatory fantasy is a flying-rat, you have problems that run much deeper than waiting a bit longer for glorified bird-porn. So deep, in fact, those problems are probably being trained to fight crime by Splinter. Or being eaten by sewer gators. Or helping Corey Feldman shove jewels in his mouth.

Here are a few bizarre features from the games Steam page to close us out:

  • Chat with different birds, like “pigeon biker gangs” and “narcoleptic school instructors;” a combination of words normally found in the mad libs of serial killers.
  • Experience “twists and turns” as you “uncover dark conspiracies” and “hellish fiends bent on bringing on the apocalypse.” Again, mad libs, psychotic child murderers.
  • Feed birds “sensual birdseed” which, with names like “calm corn” and “bitter black beans,” sound suspiciously like a date rape drugs.

If you’re so inclined to join “St. PigeoNation’s Institute, a school for talented birds,” you can pre-order the game on Steam. If anything, it looks like a crazy f****** ride. Whether that ride’s worth $10, though, depends on your love of Japanese quirkiness and seductive birds.