Gifts For Gamers (You Hate): The Etsy T-Shirt Dumpster Dive

The holidays are here and it’s time to seek out the perfect gifts for your friends and family. “But Nikola,” you say (obviously confusing computers with phones and not understanding why I’m ignoring you), “what if I hate my family and want a passive aggressive way of telling them so?” In that case, my friend, you must turn to Etsy. For the uninitiated, Etsy is a website where various amateur designers or craft enthusiasts sell their hand-made tchotchkes, posters, and t-shirts. The site is populated by about 90% talented artists and 10% crazy people trying to sell used chewing gum shaped like human organs.

All these wonderful gift ideas come from the latter group. These “video game” shirts, made by individuals who’ve never so much as seen a game before, are ideal for the gamer in your life that you’ve secretly hated all along.

Item: Pinball Flick My Balls T-Shirt

etsy shirt 1

First off, this shirt shows three balls, so even if you were going for dumb sexual innuendo good luck finding men proud enough of their medical anomaly to model your shirt. “Flick my balls” isn’t even a phrase that is ever used in pinball, and shouting it in an arcade is a good way to get escorted from the premises. And I’m not here to judge whatever turns you on, but this sounds awful. Truly terrible. Even the suggestion makes me want to cry.

Even if you are into having your balls flicked, this shirt all but ensures that it won’t happen. It also gives your friends a great excuse to punch you in your groin and then laugh about it. Wearing this shirt amongst a group of teenage guys is like a deer hanging a target around its neck and approaching a group of hunters to cuss out the NRA.

Improved Shirt Design:

etsy shirt 1 fix

Item: meh T-Shirt

etsy shirt 2

I don’t even know why this got thrown into the “video game” classification, but I feel like I should be insulted. This shirt is brought to us by Saltydogstees, and I kind of get the feeling they hate gamers. This looks like a shirt that got made by accident after a drunken conversation.

“Hey, we need some shirt ideas. What do you got?”

“Meh.”

“Brilliant!”

“Huh?”

“Yes! More!”

“What are you talking about?”

“Everything you say is solid gold! Let me get a pen!”

The assumption that gamers would like this is a grave insult indeed. This might be the laziest shirt design I have ever seen, and if you truly want to convey “meh” through your clothing it would be far more efficient to get naked and coat yourself in filth.

Improved Shirt Design:

etsy shirt 2 fix

Item: A girlfriend is no substitute for video games tee

etsy shirt 3

We all have that one friend who says “I am SO happy to be single and not lonely because it gives me time to play games and not be lonely because I’m not lonely, I’m happy,” and we’ve all responded, “Why are you calling at three in the morning to tell me this?” This shirt is too depressing even for them. Anyone who buys this shirt is in no danger of ending up with a girlfriend any time soon.

Putting aside that it’s a billboard for loneliness, the design of the shirt is awful. If you hate people enough to wear this thing, nobody will be able read the tiny “joke” from all the way up in your sniper’s nest anyway. Hilariously, the shirt comes with a “do not dry clean” warning, which seems a little superfluous for anyone inclined to purchase it. It doesn’t exactly go well with a suit and tie, and it will almost certainly be soaked in tears at any given moment anyway.

Improved Shirt Design:

etsy shirt 3 fixed

Feel free to check etsy for even more embarrassing items.