These Club Nintendo Testimonials Aren’t Very Convincing

On the Club Nintendo site, there is a little tab where they explain why you should join Club Nintendo. As I explained previously, you shouldn’t (just enjoy the games). However, different people have different perspectives, so I thought I’d do a little research and see why (in Club Nintendo’s opinion) I was so totally and utterly wrong. On the “why should you join” tab, they link to a bunch of different testimonials from actual gamers, possibly because no one at Club Nintendo could could up with a good answer themselves.

A quick little glance through the various testimonials reveals a very unconvincing argument made by people that sometimes don’t quite seem to know what they are arguing for. There are probably thirty or so different testimonials (it is a bit hard to get a solid number because for some reason the little testimonials keep circling through) but none of them do a very good job making a case for Club Nintendo in its current iteration. In fact, all these responses seem to fall into one of four different categories.

#1: “I filled this out like two years ago and they just haven’t got around to swapping mine out yet.”

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Is “I’m Nintendo and I know it!” even a quote? They have this formatted like they’re quoting someone, but unless they are quoting something they themselves said to their dusty Nintendo collectibles while they sobbed into their Mario blanket, this isn’t a quote anyone has said before. I Googled the quote and even Google didn’t know what I was talking about. I could search “Mario eating babies” and I guarantee I’d get several thousand results, so when Google can’t find something you know you are looking for something that doesn’t exist.

Beyond that though, there are a handful of these testimonials that talk about the “amazing exclusive items” or something similar, an assessment that hasn’t been true for like a year now. It would be like if someone asked an ESPN analyst what they thought of the Miami Heat and they responded that they were great because of all the LeBron James they had. And of course, these pictures always show people posing with items they received from Club Nintendo in its heyday like two years ago. You never see anyone gleefully posing with their Nintendogs greeting cards and that’s because it is physically impossible to smile if you are holding them in your hand. These aren’t arguments for why you should join Club Nintendo now, but why you should’ve when it started.

#2: “I really, really like market research. Like, really. Can I fill out some surveys about what I thought about the surveys I filled out?”

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This one sort of doubles with the first category, as poor Karen is absolutely buried by old Club Nintendo goodies. It looks like the beginning of an episode of Nintendhorders, where Karen’s teary eyed family is just offscreen bemoaning their inability to save their daughter from herself. Of course, the merchandise that is threatening to suffocate Karen is all old inventory from Club Nintendo, and several of the items haven’t been available for multiple years.

What is most surprising is the volume of respondents that say something along the lines of how happy they are to provide feedback for the Nintendo games they purchase. You “get” to provide feedback? This isn’t some sort of honor bestowed upon us noble gamers by the Nintendgods from on high. This is literally market research that most companies are more than willing to actually pay for. Some of these people are so excited it almost sounds like they are just buying Nintendo games because they want to complete another survey.

#3: “Oh wait Club Nintendo? I thought you asked what I liked about Nintendo in general. Oops, nevermind.”

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AHHHHH RUN MARIO! Is there a word that means “a sexual attraction for Hanafuda cards” or am I just supposed to scream and people will understand what I’m trying to warn them about? What is most shocking about this whole thing is someone got close enough to this man to take a picture and lived to upload it to the Internet.

I’d say the largest portion of these responses are people completely ignoring the question and just talking about why they like Nintendo instead. Yes, we all agree Nintendo has put out some truly excellent titles throughout our lifetimes but that has literally nothing to do with Club Nintendo itself. There is no way Club Nintendo brings back any memories from this guy’s childhood unless he is the strangest looking four-year-old I’ve ever seen. The fact that Club Nintendo read these and was like “eh, close enough” leads me to believe they couldn’t even find enough people on their own website that were saying nice things about them.

#4: I already forgot what the question was so I’ll just say the first thing that comes to my mind.

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While his response is terrible, I do give Gaurav credit here for rocking the Mario costume with nary a care. Although he could’ve done some more research, because that is clearly a Wario mustache masquerading as some Mario facial hair. I don’t know if this was some sort of costume day at his school or something, but I hope this is just how he shows up on a regular basis, like he’s just that weird Mario kid that spends his day jumping from desk to desk.

On topic though, I have no idea how this guy’s affixation on Peach is any reason for why I should join Club Nintendo. Is this really pushing someone over into joining? “Oh man I was on the fence before about filling out all these surveys, but this dude liked Peach! Now I have to join!” There are a handful of responses that feel like they were pulled from different surveys and pasted on the site accidentally like this.

Since Nintendo seems to be having a hard time convincing people to join, let me give it my best effort:

“If you somehow missed out on all the old Nintendo games and don’t want to spend five dollars to purchase them, filling out these surveys isn’t a tremendous waste of time.”

There, Nintendo. Post this on your site. I insist you use the face of the guy creeping on Mario again, though.