Montana from Battleborn is the Best Video Game Character Ever*

Battleborn, or as it is known in Scandinavian countries, BattleBjorn, has a roster of unique and colorful characters that can rival the final version of any of the numbered Street Fighters.  With so many interesting characters with very different playstyles, it seems nearly impossible to select a favorite among them.  Luckily, the staff at Hardcore Gamer is willing to provide assistance with this daunting task and supply the simple and only correct answer: Montana.  Like Tigger, the wonderful thing about Montana is Montana is a wonderful thing.

For starters, his name is shrouded in mystery.  Why is he named Montana?  Is it after the state because it is a large mass of land like a select group of muscles and has a certain rustic cowboy image associated with it?  Or is it simply him being addressed by his surname, which was the only identifier left with him as a baby when his unwed mother Hannah left him on a doorstep to avoid a scandal and tarnish her squeaky clean Disney Channel image?  Or is he named after the Big Montana, a once popular sandwich at Arby’s that boasted a full eight ounces of their unique version of roast beef?

Montana 1
And like the mystery about licks and Tootsie Roll Pop centers that has baffled scholars since ancient times, the world may never know.  What is clear is this dude rules.  He is blessed with a physique that none of us will ever be able to attain.  Seriously, find a real person who shares his dimensions.  His head is of the perfect tiny size to match Beetlejuice after he switched his ticket in the afterlife waiting room.  His upper body is of the sculpted musculature that can only be obtained by injecting steroids directly into his eyes eight times a day and following that eating a massive serving of MetRX as if it were cereal in a fish tank filled with Muscle Milk.  In addition to his strict nutrition regiment, he spends 25 hours a day in the gym, really utilizing that extra hour for working out.  To help with his bro cred, it is obvious when looking at his lower body he totally skips leg day, because leg day is the worst.  But even with skipping leg day and having little tiny pigeon legs to support his ginormous torso and minigun, he is able to run fast enough to keep up with the other characters who do not have baffling physiology.  The other characters that have anatomical proportions that somewhat resemble actual humans ain’t got nothing on him.  He also has an impressive vertical leap.  Maybe it’s the shoes, but regardless, he isn’t going to let having zero muscles in his legs prevent him from leaping and charging into battle.

Montana is the poster man child for modern masculinity.  He sports a serious beard to make it known that his testosterone levels are high enough to cover his face in keratin rich strands.  He may run through the woods now with a giant machine gun, but that beard makes it known that once all the other Battleborn are dead he will retire from combat and become a lumberjack.  In keeping with the trends of modern masculinity, he keeps up on his manscaping in his attempts to combine some more metrosexual traits to his old fashioned ruggedness.  While the opportunity is never presented in the game, he does inquire if there is time for a good old chest waxing in between his respawning from death and returning to the fray.

Montana 2

While this is an impressive skill for any person to master, being able to skillfully whittle a piece of wood into a piece of art is even more jaw dropping when done by a man with sausage fingers that are larger than his own head.  Give Montana a tree stump and within seconds he will carve out a miniature likeness of himself.  This may come off as vain or narcissistic if you or I did it, but when Montana does it is simply a testament to his own awesomeness.  The brief second you are allowed to view his carving before he tosses it aside, it is his way of making your life exponentially better by being allowed to look at a wood likeness of him.

Everyone in Battleborn has their own personality and phrases, but none are better than Montana’s.  His voice sounds like a blend of Joe Swanson from Family Guy and that alien Roger Smith from American Dad.  What makes his voice acting excel to the next echelon of extraordinary grandeur is that a lot of his dialog sounds like it was written for a character in Idiocracy.  His statements of being less dead or dying sucks flow from his mouth as if his tongue has taken the form of the quill used by the soul of long dead Shakespeare.

Montana 3
The icing on the cake of awesomeness that is Montana is how well he plays in the game.  He is a straight up tank, and adding the ice effect to his gun not only adds the bite of winter to his attacks but gives the bonus of ice related puns that would make Schwarzenegger’s portrayal of Mr. Freeze blush.  The fact that he can dish out a lot of damage quickly and take just as much before dying makes him an ideal choice for players who are not good at competitive first-person shooters, such as a certain writer on this website who will remain nameless.   So it is because of this, and all the other reasons are listed above, Montana is the greatest video game character ever*, and if any readers of this article happen to play Battleborn online and cross paths with this writer, it is very likely I will be controlling Montana and ranking toward of the bottom of the team. Players of all ages and skill levels will pwn me repeatedly, but I will have the last laugh since I get to play as Montana.

*Among characters named after states that appear in Gearbox games